Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Courting Yourself- Important Relationship/LIFE Building Essentials

I’ll start off with my random writings/Court Yourself Exercise, then give some background explanation, and end with a more formal exercise.I have tons of notebooks sitting around with stream-of-consciousness writing because I have no training in poetry. And they just sit there. One of my friends was looking for stuff to turn into poetry the other day and I went through my notebooks to send her stuff. I ran into these entries and something told me to share it even though it’s not in poem-form or anything of that sort. However, I can’t even begin to describe the importance of this subject-matter.

This is written from a female perspective, but very applicable to men as well. Working with women in the area of self-esteem is one of my personal favorite things to do, so that’s why it’s written from that perspective. But the more healings I do, I find that men have the same issues/problems.

The first part was just the random thoughts I was sprawling in my notebook which then led me to write out the “Court Yourself” part. I remember was sitting at the ocean when I started doodling these random metaphysical thoughts that were going through my head.

Random Thoughts:

Why must we identify and put labels on everything?
From this day on, every time I run into something I don’t have a label or category for,
I’ll identify it as God.
It’s true identity.
And so the scary, unknown now becomes God.
The unknown becomes Light.
The unknown becomes Love.

There is no separation. I am the ocean and the ocean is me.
Have compassion for all, for they ARE you.
There is no difference. They ARE you.
But if you don’t love yourself,
Then it’s easy to understand why you can’t forgive or love others,
Who are you as well.

So love.

Let love shoot through you
From the top of your crown through your heart
Down to the soles of your feet.
Let it shoot through you
Infusing every cell and inch of your body with Aliveness
Inducing a permanent state of bliss.

And while reflecting on the above, I wrote:


When your mind starts to wander into the land of “Oh I wish I had someone. I wish I had the feeling of being in love….” always remember you have the ability to be in love with yourself.

People talk about the need to love yourself before you are able to love anyone else. As important as this concept is, it is so often strangely left right there, as an abstract, fluffy concept. But it’s a crucial concept that is easy to apply and once it clicks, it will never be abstract again.

It’s easy.
See yourself as your potential soul mate.
COURT yourself.
Make it your goal to make yourself fall in love with you.

So when, “I wish I had someone to hold me,” pops into your mind, remember to hold yourself.
You do have two arms.
And there are many who would love to have your arms wrapped around them, so enjoy your arms being wrapped around you, as someone else would enjoy having your arms wrapped around them.
Feel the warm loving energy coming from you. Give into your own arms.
Relax into them.

When you wish you had someone to listen to you, remember to listen to Yourself.
Sit there and REALLY listen to Yourself.
What does Yourself want? What does Yourself want you to know about her?
What would bring Yourself joy at this very moment? What does Yourself dream of?
Make it happen for Yourself.

When you wish you had someone to drink wine with and enjoy the beautiful sunset, remember that you have yourself.
You can enjoy the sweet taste of wine against Your lips. Against Your tongue.
Drink that wine, enjoy that sunset.
Enjoy every last second of it like it was your last sunset on earth.

Court yourself.

Why is it so hard to remember that You are always there for you?

And courting Yourself is FUN. You know what you want. You know what you like.
So court yourself.

Give yourself a massage.
Give yourself a hug. Hold yourself. Enjoy the feel of your own skin and the warmth of your body.
Take yourself on beautiful dates and to fancy dinners.

MAKE yourself fall in love with you.
Love yourself with all your heart.
And when you love yourself enough, your soul will reveal all if it’s hidden secrets to you.
And you can then do an even better job of courting You and bringing joy to You.

Give you whatever YOU wants.
Spoil You.
Caress You.
Eat chocolate with You.
Write poetry to You.
Every thought that pops into your head that you’d like to have someone do for you, always remember that you can do it for You too.

Who’s company is better than your own? You always want to do the same thing, talk about the same things, explore the same things, go to the same places. No conflicts arise.

And if you want someone to challenge you, then challenge You!
If you want someone to flirt with, then flirt with You.
Give yourself a sly, secretive smile in the mirror,
Shower yourself with compliments,
Gently caress the soft skin surrounding your inner thighs,
Play with your hair,
Snuggle with You in bed.
Until the thought of You always brings a warm smile to your face.

But don’t ever try to impress You with all your feats and accolades.
It’s not about you, it’s about You.
Make sure your courtship is focused on giving You pleasure and making You feel good about herself.
This is not about you or how great you are, it’s about showering You with love and bringing joy and pleasure to You.
Follow this strategy, and You will fall madly in love with you.
And a perfect harmonic relationship will ensue.
A strong foundation on which you can then invite others to stand and to share your joy with because sharing your joy with the world enhances it.
But never allow them to replace your relationship with You or allow them to take You’s place.
Never forget that your relationship with You is your foundation for the joy and love you are now able to share.”

Explanation Part:

This might not be my most typical blog, but I really wanted to get into the importance of self-love. One of the things that brought me to energy healing was my constant quest for the answer to “the world’s problems.” I even went to Harvard Law School and got a nice degree in my quest to find this answer. At this point in my life, I really think it’s self-love. I believe that if we could get everyone to love themselves, then just about every problem would fade away. Think about it, if you genuinely love yourself, then you’re secure and you have no need to oppress others, exert some false power over others, or hoard resources to try to increase your sense of power.

In this blog I’m focusing more on the relationship aspect of it because I think it’s an essential element for a healthy, positive relationship. And I know people want those! As clichéd as loving yourself sounds, it’s important to understand it on a deeper level.

One of my favorite scenes from Rent has always been the fight scene where everyone is fighting and Mimi is yelling at Roger, “I’d be happy to die for a taste of what Angel had, someone to live for, unafraid to say I LOVE YOUUUU!!!’ And Roger stops her real quick and tells her that all her words are nice BUT, “You’ll never share real love until you love yourself- I should know!” (she's a drug addict- for those who've never seen it). LOL, I loved that scene when I was 15-years-old and thought I understood it pretty well back then. It’s waaaay too easy to think, “Of course I love myself!!!” when you don't really know what that means. Trust me when you REALLY love yourself, it clicks and you suddenly have no doubt about it. You’re suddenly in love with yourself and in love with the world around you. AND you’d be surprised by the quality of men that are suddenly lined up outside and blowing up your phone.

In order to explain some of my thoughts on self-love and how it relates to relationships, I’m just going to quote from a note I wrote for some of my friends on Valentine’s Day. And in that note I quoted my first blog entry on BlogSpot to emphasize the importance of knowing and loving yourself, so you can check that out afterward if you would like ( http://myspiritualstudies.blogspot.com/2008/12/love-and-manipulation.html ).

Quotes from Valentine’s Day Note
(again written from female perspective but applicable to men):

I seriously think relationships would last longer, be healthier, and women would overall be happier if women genuinely enjoyed being single instead of looking at it as some sort of curse. I rarely meet a woman who wouldn't benefit from taking some time to learn to genuinely love herself and learn what truly brings her joy, happiness, and purpose. All the things a woman should not be depending on a relationship for. Many women seem to think that as long as they're not financially-dependent on men, they're good, but really not being dependent on men for the things listed above is just as, if not more, important.

Until the right man (or lady) comes along, ENJOY YOURSELF. Don't spend precious moments of your short life STRESSING over being single. Enjoy the fact you still have the sort of freedom you are currently blessed with. And if you are lucky enough to be in a circle of friends where people still aren't married, ENJOY the last couple of years of being able to truly enjoy your friends without having to share. Shoot, this might be the last year of YOUR WHOLE LIFE where you and your best friend are both single. Do you really want to waste it trippin over not being in a relationship? If she gets married next year, I bet you'll look back on this year nostalgically, wishing you had this time back. This might really be the last stretch of your single days. Don't just waste them. And CERTAINLY don't just give them away to men you KNOW aren't right for you, but that you're settling for because you REALLY REALLY REALLY want to be in a relationship.

Aside from just enjoying your life, and in the process getting to really know yourself and what brings you joy and purpose, I want to go back to the point of learning to genuinely love yourself. I know many women are thinking, "Oh, but I do think I'm great. I do love myself. I have all my sh*t together." No. I'm not talking about "I don't think I'm terrible, I have so many accomplishments, and I think someone should love me" kind of love.

I'm talking about getting to the point where you love yourself so much, that you are not settling for men that are less than you deserve just because you need to feel love from an outside source to be validated and happy. I'm talking about getting to the point that you actually like the person you are and don't fear loneliness because you actually ENJOY your own company. I'm talking about getting to the point where you are SO secure that you no longer need to spend your time trying control men by means of manipulation.

If you get to that point, your next relationship will be soooooooooo unbelievably smooth. It will be magical. And it will have a real chance of actually lasting and being based on true love rather than FEAR.

With that being said, I think most people can benefit from being single and working on being able to supply their own joy, happiness, purpose, and love. And to me, it makes more sense to benefit from such periods than to throw that time away on the first random, somewhat attractive, somewhat accomplished man, who's not THAT bad "you guess", and who you think you could MAYBE fall in love with...... (The worst is when I watch women TALK THEMSELVES into liking/loving someone and THEN get their hearts broken by the guy. SMH. A guy she didn't even really like to begin with! This is scarily common). I'd rather enjoy my freedom and in the process get ready for a real relationship, than spend my time eagerly trying to jump into unsatisfying, "convenient" or dead-end relationships.

Granted, these are my opinions and I'm someone who's at a point in my life where I refuse to be in a relationship with anyone less than my soul mate or to settle for less than true unconditional love.

Other follow-up comments I posted on the topic:

You know how Cosmo and all those magazines tell young women that they need to figure out how to give themselves an orgasm and work their bodies FIRST, before they go to a guy expecting them to know how to do it for them? I feel like they should be giving the same advice about their HEARTS. You can't expect your boyfriend to make you happy when you have no idea how to make yourself happy. That's a lot of unfair pressure.

A surprising amount of women have no idea what makes them GENUINELY happy (i.e. you aren't doing it just to impress somebody else or to get praise). Everyone should have a list of things that brings joy to their heart instantly. That might put the anti-depressant industry out of business though.

And I’ll close the comments part of this blog with this:

Most women are in denial about their lack of self-love. My "You're not deficient" conversations with women often make me feel like I'm in a "Good Will Hunting" scene ("You are not deficient." "Oh, I know." "No. You are not deficient." "I know." Until tears start flowing out).

I wish I could sit with EVERY woman and yell "LOVE YOURSELVES!! You are a creative manifestation of the Divine! The exact same God, or Force, Energy, Big Bang, WHATEVER you believe in, the EXACT SAME hand that created that absolutely breathtaking sunset over that beautiful ocean, and those stunning, awe-inspiring mountain ranges, THAT same hand created YOU. YOU ARE NOT DEFICIENT. Regardless of what the media has told you, what your parents have told you, what that little boy in 3rd grade said to you. I PROMISE you they were wrong. You are not deficient in any way. You ARE good enough."

Formalizing “Court Yourself”:

1) Make a list of 30 things that make you GENUINELY happy. Things that would bring you instant joy if you did them right now. If you can’t come up with 30 then start working on figuring it out until you get a list of at least 30.

2) This week take yourself on a date. Actually take the time to plan it out so that you can come up with the kind of date that would impress you if someone else planned it for you. And then repeat this exercise once a week.
I started doing this when I was working through “The Artist’s Way” since it’s one of the exercises given. And it’s a wonderful experience. Everyone I’ve had work through that book finds a lot of value in this exercise. It can be anything. People often start doing things they hadn’t done since childhood, like riding your bike through the park and eating snow cones. Just make sure it’s something you really enjoy and really makes you happy. Switch it up every week. Experiment with it. Get creative. I bought myself a Slip n Slide once. And NO ONE else can come on this date with you. It’s pretty fun to spoil yourself on your self-dates.

P.S. And this isn't just important for relationships. It's important for LIFE because you want to spend as much of your time as possible in a state of joy. You want to vibrate at the frequency of joy so you can attract all kinds of greatness to yourself and keep the lower-vibrating stuff away! So you should be familiar with how to induce a state of joy within yourself at all times!



  1. Brilliant and reassuring blog.

  2. Janice is my guru

  3. Hey I love your words, I have just found this article and everything you say it what is going around in my head.

    I am over this circle I find myself in, all my relationships haven't really lasted because I haven't dealt with previous problems and I don't love myself, so my self worth is low. I enter relationships with people I think I have a connection with and then I loose faith in my self and let it die. I have never wanted to 'settle' but I do confused love with lust. Which I am aware of now. I want to find the click you talk about and I love how you say you only want to be in a relationship with your soulmate.

    Lots of love,


  4. Thanks @ Phil and Constance. LOL @ Constance!

    @ Flox- The desire and willingness to change something is the most important step. :-) Congratulations on your self-awareness. Also if you are interested in any energy work to deal with any issues lingering from the past, do not hesitate to contact me.

  5. what's interesting about the lack of true self love, is that (at least for me) almost all of my bad decisions can be boiled down to an insufficient level of self love. It is most certainly the key and something I look forward to attaining.

    Also the mental exercise of doing for yourself what you wish others would do for you can be really powerful. I have been "rescuing" my young self the way I wish my parents did and it has helped improve my relationship with them and heal old wounds. I love this idea of dating myself. Will have to try that. :)

  6. Hey Jen,

    I was wondering when you know something/someone is bad for you and you can feel it, how can you leave it and move on? Act as if you already have done so? What's the quickest way, if there is one?

  7. Hey Flox,
    I love using the Confrontation Exercise for those kind of situations (For info on exercise see: http://myspiritualstudies.blogspot.com/2009/03/how-to-kick-negative-feelings-and.html).

    And yes, acting as if it's already done and believing it's already done of course help. Affirmations that it's already done, especially during a meditative state, are also really effective.

    For clients, when they're trying to remove a person from their life, I find that cutting cords (of energy) really helps. If you don't know how to cut cords then just sit down and ask for God/Angels to cut all negative cords off you, intend for it to be done, and imagine it happening.

  8. Hey Jan,

    Thanks for that I have just felt a shift in my thoughts today and feel much stronger!