Saturday, November 20, 2010

How to Work With Your Ego & Insights from a Self-Healing on Procrastination, Sabotage, & Competition

I journaled some insights/major shift the other night that might be useful to others. It’s always good to see how others break patterns and what causes the patterns. Since I do healings all the time and meditate every day, I tend to have a lot of self-insight that helps with self-healing and so I don’t mind sharing my experiences. Particularly since I’ve learned a lot from watching others heal.

Last week I was working on huge project. Suddenly my computer started malfunctioning and not letting me work. To the point I felt like throwing it out the window. And I was about to use it as an excuse to get out of meeting a deadline.

But out of nowhere, it hit me that I had a really long pattern of procrastinating on assignments/projects until last minute and then finding an excuse to ask for an extension or to get out of it. I can remember doing this all the way back to middle school. Nicole and I always joke about “ don't treat this like a paper extension!” Its a joke about how we always get extensions and are like, “Whew! We have two more weeks! Awesome!” and then go play and do everything else and then the night before it’s due again we’re like “Uhoh!!! How did this happen??” And we (used to) do that with everything. Like if we have to be somewhere and are running late but then it gets moved back 2 hours, somehow we’ll mess around and still be running late 2 hours later. (btw, I was very rarely ACTUALLY late, just always waited until last minute).

I decided I needed to go ahead and release this pattern.

I went into meditation and asked what was going on here, and immediately realized that it was my ego doing it. Here’s what I got back: 1) Feelings of unworthiness- which cause self-sabotage, and procrastination is self-sabotage. 2) Fear of own greatness. 3) Fear of not being good enough or smart enough. And it was a crazy set up from my ego, because my ego would procrastinate for those reasons, and to make myself get mad at me, dislike myself, and feel out of control. Looking for self-punishment (that’s what guilt does), perpetuating it further and creating a repeating pattern….

So after knowing what was up, it was time to release all of the above, but I needed to get my ego to cooperate because I could feel it was holding on tight.

Here are some blurbs/insights from my journal written right after releasing.


With all this talk over the last few days about Christ teaching to “Love them until THEY submit,” I was thinking about one the most applicable situations… Your ego. NEVER wage war on your ego, as tempting as it might be. Don’t get mad at it and lose your temper or try to scare it with threats. That’s what it was trying to get you to do. It wants you to get mad at it so then it can play the victim and go into self-pity. “Ah, I cant believe I did that. I’m a terrible person with no self-control. Ah, I’m so mad at myself. Why don’t I have more strength? What’s wrong with me? etc.” Plus with more self-h*te and anger towards yourself, you’ll be weaker. Instead, love it into submission. Send tons of unconditional love to it. Let it know it’s safe. Have a conversation with it. Make a compromise. Tell it the change will just be a trial and if we don’t like it, we can go back to your way. Get it to calm down, to mellow out, and relax for a second, so that you can let go of the negative cords, negative patterns, beliefs, or emotions you want to release and make the changes you want.

Remember to look at your ego as the scared 4 y/o child inside of you. Treat it with understanding and compassion. Comfort it and you’ll get much further. If you make it feel safe and loved, it will be much more cooperative and your inner wars will diminish. If you don't, it will kick and scream and hang on with all its might. And Dr. George Washington Carver’s advice that if you love something enough, it will reveal its secrets to you is very applicable. When you send love to your ego, it will open up to you and reveal its secrets.

So I went with that. Instead of yelling at my ego, I sent it tons and tons of unconditional love and said, “Don’t you feel all this unconditional love from God, from the Divine Mother, from me? Don’t you realize that no matter what you’ve done you’re still loved unconditionally? In your opinion you really f’ed up tonight by doing other things instead of working on this, and yet you’re getting more direct unconditional love now than last week before you got yourself in this mess. See?? Calm down.”

And I asked it to please just relax and move aside so we could let go of the old negative patterns that were being held. The ego complied. We had a long talk about its different issues and a lot was released.


"Shift your intent/life goal/perspective from trying to be the best at whatever, to loving. Instead of trying to be the best at everything and seeing the world as an endless competition, your focus will be on just to love." My inner voice started saying that and it really helped when it came to releasing the fear of own greatness and the fear of not being the best or not being good enough. The ego was scared to release these things because it thought life might get boring if it wasn’t always trying to compete for something. What would it do? Because it didn’t know anything else. “If you’re not always trying to be the best or have the most, how will I be entertained?” it asked. Loving. That will give you the best life. Cultivate a heart of love as big as the world, as you say at Agape. Love as much as possible, share as much love, build with as many people, build intimacy, be of service, spread joy, find different ways to love. Just love. Love. Create. Life will never be boring. It will be full joy, happiness, expression, and adventure. The ego was also scared to let go of the need/desire to always be the best because it thought if we didn’t care, we would then be bad at things, and it couldn’t deal with that thought (it’s the ego after all). I told it to stop it. That when we let go of that need to be the best, we’ll still be amazing. Because everything will be based in love and that’s always filled with greatness. In fact, all miracles come from love, as do the greatest works. And God, the Divine Mother, Archangel Gabriel, the Holy Angels will be there to work through us, and will work through us more easily because we aren’t in the way. Everything will always be clothed in the greatness of love and God. You can’t go wrong. And the ego calmed down and let go. Of course, this was while asking for the constant help of the Divine Mother’s grace and mercy, compassion and love.

A little more from journal on the fears that came up during the meditation-before the conclusion:

-Fear of not being good enough, not being smart enough. So would rather not do the project/assignment. Or do it with an excuse just in case it’s not good enough. The belief that just me is not good enough was released. Ego said, “People assume we’re smart. I don’t want to prove them wrong. Maybe we’ve just gotten lucky every other time??” I carefully explained, "Ego, you’ve done this a million times before and you’ve done fine every time. Why are you still scared? Do you think you’re going to be less good at it than last time? It works the other way around. You get better with practice. Let go of the need to compete. Let go of the need to be the best. It’s not supposed to be a competition. That’s not what life is about. If it was, then all the people in the rat race wouldn’t be so unhappy after winning the race and constantly needing to find a new race. You know this from experience. Released beliefs of inadequacy and not being enough. With the grace of the Divine Mother.

-Fear of own greatness. I’d always felt a lot of resistance to this concept. Felt impossible to me. But because of the resistance, I knew it had to be present. Particularly since the feelings of unworthiness had been present and this fear comes with a “Who am I to be so great?” There was a serious thickness and feeling of heaviness as it was releasing and I talked to my ego, telling it that it was okay for us to be great and to release whatever this fear was tied to. That lead to releasing a fear of it being lonely at the top. Of people being jealous. Fear that if I’m more successful or get better at things, it will be a bigger challenge to find a romantic love partner (WOW! All those guys who try to play mind tricks saying things like, “wow it must be really hard for someone as awesome as you to find a guy on your level to date. That must suck, ” had crept into my subconscious w/o me noticing! Who would’ve thought?) And in my head I heard the voices of people who tell you to dumb down a little to make men feel more secure. I told my Ego that we believe in soul mates, remember? So that stuff is irrelevant. And reminded it, “If you believe in soul mates and you’re still waiting for yours, he won’t arrive until you’re willing to be more authentic than you now are in this present moment." You can’t attract your perfect match if you aren’t even being who you truly are. So releasing fears that keep us caged in or restrained will be much more helpful than trying to be small. And because you actually really love people, they love you back. You will never be lonely- top or bottom. “Who am I to be so great?” left easily due to my strong feeling of Oneness with God. You can't refute God's greatness.”

Those were the blurbs. Oh, and my computer started working right afterward and the project went 150% perfect. It exceeded the person’s expectations (though I stayed up for over 48 hours to finish).

Also, wanted to note, because it comes up with clients, when you work through something big, chances are you will re-visit multiple times. Usually going into deeper layers every time. So if you worked out something 2 years ago and then suddenly it pops back up, don’t get upset thinking, “But I thought I let that go already!” You did. But there’s a lot tied to it. You probably let go of a huge portion of it (and certainly noticed the improvements in your life), but now you’re getting rid of more. Rev. Michael often analogizes it to having a super dirty car and washing it. Then you look at the car and notice there’s still a spot there. That spot has been there the whole time, but because the entire car was dirty, it blended in. Now that the car is clean, you notice the spot and some fixate on it like, “WTH?!” Just note it’s normal. Especially with big, normal themes. Don’t trip. The above is a great example of this. Most of the above wasn’t new and it’s healing 101. But while a lot of that stuff had been released, I needed a shift in worldview in order to evolve even more and the stuff that was still there helped me go back in and shift.

1 comment:

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