Another entry from my meditation journal:
People say that if you really want to learn something u should teach it, and I saw the truth of that play out tonight. Yesterday I was teaching people that if they are trying to let go of something, like a habit, addiction, pattern, it helps to drop the guilt, shame, & judgment around it because those things only hurt you and build more energy around the issue, getting you even more stuck.
Then tonight I was doing a quick little 5 minute visualization on happy memories, and randomly this scene from over a year ago w/a guy I don’t know that well, but had liked, popped into my head. I wondered what the heck he was doing in my meditation and did a little “I now turn from my intellect to my intuition to tune into the energy here and receive intuitive wisdom,” to see what was going on. Immediately fear jumped at me (big contrast to the huge happiness vibration I had going). Fear that I wasn’t good enough for him (WHAT???!!!). Because I view him as very fearless and courageous, which I saw as a big contrast to myself, and was scared for him to get to know me because then he would see what a scaredy cat I am and wouldn't like me, on top of pointing it out to me. His fearlessness would totally expose my cowardice. The minute he’d take me camping and see me freak out over a snake, bear, or big spider, he’d know I couldn’t hang. Now, I know way better than to think some man would look at me and decide that I just lack way too much courage for him and so I’m not good enough for him (particularly if I’m in a meditative state- I'm quite wise then). So immediately I thought, that’s not what he thinks about me- I’m projecting. That’s what I think about me!! OMG, I think I suck because of fears I haven’t been able to let go of yet. Oh wow. I’m obviously subconsciously ashamed of myself. I’m holding shame in regards to fear. Okay. Let’s release. “I now release any judgment against myself tied to any fears I hold. I’m human and I forgive myself.” And immense energy started clearing. “With the help of God, I now release ANY conscious or subconscious feelings of shame, guilt, self-hate, anger and/or resentment towards myself for being scared of certain things.” And my body went CRAZY. Waves of energy moved through me and out of me (always awesome). Particularly resentment towards self from my spleen.
“Just like you have no business judging others, you have no business judging yourself. There needs to be no judgment about u holding a fear. It just IS, until you are ready to release it. End of story. That's all there is to it. You’re human and it’s okay for you to have fears as long as you’re growing. Remember 6 months ago when that really advanced healer told you that she was also so scared of seeing, that she refuses to sleep by herself? That was a message to let you know that it’s OKAY. If an older healer, that's more mature than you, and has been doing this for way longer, still holds such fears, then obviously it’s okay for you to feel them too, and is nothing to feel ashamed or bad about. That guy did NOT care. Trust me, that was the last thing on his mind. Do you know how many amazing qualities you possess that would have completely overshadowed your random human fears? Love and accept every aspect of yourself, including your human weaknesses. They’re beautiful and allow you to grow. And any person who does judge you for them isn’t good enough for YOU due to their lack of essential qualities, like compassion and understanding."
Release, release, release. Bliss.
Wow I feel so much lighter. Had no idea I was holding that stuff. I mean I know I hold certain fears when they get triggered and I feel the stress, but didn’t realize the secondary feelings being held about those fears.
LOL, and there’s some awesome guy out there who has no idea that I didn’t want to get to know him better solely because I had subconsciously decided he’d want nothing to do with me because I’m afraid of roaches and heights. Funny how much goes on behind a simple interaction.
*End of Entry*
But I wanted to add a quote from an e-mail I randomly received from my mentor a few weeks later, "What if you absolutely honor the Light that you are now? What would happen if instead of reaching or shunning your Light you accepted where you are right now?"